What's it mean? What's it say? It says what I feel in simple words, it says what's going on, it says "My heart hurts."

It's so difficult not to touch him right now, not to turn to him, to hold and to hug, to reassure him in every way I can. I want to love him, i want to give him everything he desires... I want to sing to him, to touch him, to kiss him (oh God do I want to kiss him), to be his.

I wish he wasn't so hurt... There's no need to be, we'll be fine. Things will turn out. I spoke to Chris about the promise I made to him, the one about calling to say goodbye, and he said that as long as those are the only circumstances in which i call him, then it's ok. Chris may treat me odd sometimes, he may not treat me as born-perfect as Charles does, but he still tries, he does love me, he really does. He's trying to be better, and he's getting there. I'm just unsure and need help sometimes to direct him where to go with it...

Second best... Why did he have to say that? Why did he have to think that? It hurts so much to know I've made him feel like that. Doesn't he understand that I've been trying so hard to save him from this pain? That saying goodbye hurts more than suddenly losing? At least w/o saying goodbye, I could've come back. I wish he didn't believe those words he said... he isn't second best, I do not love him second best. Isn't he the one who told me that Love is unlimited? that it's a huge ocean? That no matter how much you love one person you can still love many many others. He isn't second best. He's not. Trying to chose who I love more is suicide- I love them both so deeply. 

Perhaps I was lucky this time. With stu I had to actually choose, here the choice was made months ago. Back with stu I cried out and cried out that this wasn't fair, that I didn't want to choose... And now I didn't. If I was faced with the choice... faced with it flat out... how could I ever choose? Chris needs me both emotionally and as far as his physical life goes... I'm honestly supporting most of his life. If I left him it would throw his entire world into turmoil... But Charles... I'm taking away the person closest to him, I'm taking from him the joy that he is to me: The person I jump for joy when I see on the caller ID, the person I get so excited to call, the person I pray it is when I feel my phone receive a text message when I'm in the middle of work... The person who has shown me such love as I have always wanted and SO rarely known-yet he showed me each minute. Both of them... I'd be taking both of their Best friends away, I'd be taking the woman they call the most beautiful, the most kind, their support, their heart's desire away. 

It's one thing to face this decision once in a life, I don't think most people do... but twice? To face this ultimatum twice?

Must keep praying. WE have to keep praying that things will work out. I spoke to chris (as I think I said) and upon telling him I do not know how I will survive without them both, he told be we'd talk about it when he got home, that we'd figure it out. Ya know, Chris didn't even expect me to have said goodbye yet? Ya I know... He called me this morning at what, 4:30AM, and asked if I was going to leave him or not, if I was going to try for our relationship... I was like "Uhm.... yeah. I already said goodbye to him." and he was a little surprised I think, though he was also relieved. When I said that I wasnt going to leave him, that he can be sure of it, He said sometimes it's hard to believe, that it's easy to doubt...

He's really forgiving me a lot, you know. He really is. God working through this a lot... It just... to me, feels so empty without Charles. Without him with me... how will I go on for those 6-8 months? How will I go on without my bestest best friend? How will I go on without my loved and cherished one? How will I live without part of my heart, he damn well stole a good bit and took it with him as we spoke our "goodbye"s last night.

I'm sorry to say, nothing seems worth it now. My heart and chest ache, my fingers ache to dial his number (Which i memorized about a week ago btw), even send a text to him... Without his presence... without the knowledge that he will be there when I get home, or i will be here when he arrives... I feel tired, I feel lazy, I don't feel compelled to do things I need to. The responsibilities I have in life no longer seem important...


I just want to stop the hurting.

I want you to listen. And I want you to listen well:

$1.   100 pennies.   10 dimes.   20 knickles.   4 quarters.    Now, do you realise that If half of those Americans living within 2 miles of a Coinstar machine donated just $1 in spare change to the Red Cross, it would raise more than $65 million to support American Red Cross?  You can even find the nearest coinstar at this site: http://www.coinstar.com/us/html/a-home Think about losing everything you own, being trapped in murky water for 2 days, being rescued only to be set on a concrete bridge, with no shade, no drinking water, and no food in 95 degree heat. Wouldn't you hope somone donates to get you something to eat or drink? Or some clean clothes to change into after you were the same clothes you had worn in that water for 3+ days? Seriously, Donate. They need it.

Well I'm drenched in sweat. Sick, I know. I think I'm gonna go take another shower (Just took one about 4 hours ago).

So I went for that jog obviously. It felt great. Really looked like it was gonna rain, which never happened. I jogged up to lakeside circle, around it, then back home. Took a little detour at the grave yard and sat there for about 5 or 10 minutes. I saw two rabbits, really cute and really small. Amazing how many people will stare at a jogger when they're driving.

I discovered a very happy song that I stuck on my Mp3 Player. From song DDR mix and it's called "Follow the Sun". Talk about HAPPY hard core... not really but it is just freaking happy. Almost obnoxiously so... I like it a lot...

Why is "a lot" two words? sounds like you just jump on a random thought tangent (Like I just did) and start talking about a parking lot or something. Honestly...

So I bought this cute thing on Ebay.  It's a Cell Phone Strap. I bought A. I'm also Bidding on this Key Chain. Very Cool.